study problem

i been having this difficulty of living like this. it's been very stressful, indeed. i might not fly in this state of results, but i won't give up. i don't know what is wrong with me. maybe this is just a test for me as i have everything all this while. it appeared that this is my biggest priority for me now. i hate losing. i don't want to lose. but life is not a competition. i am just a person full of flaws. it looks like i keep forgetting things, i don't even know what i am doing and i can't absorb the information like i used to. people keep saying that it is not too late, but why don't i feel the same? this is about my life, and i do know that my life doesn't end if i don't fly but it brings me pain. i might die of frustration and devastation and i got a lot of work to do and it feels like i've been lying to myself so many times. pretending things to be alright, while i keep messing up with my life. i don't know how to say no but i hate to admit that i've been against my life principles. it's been a year, indeed. it brought me happiness to see him again but it bring me calamity of getting results like that. sometimes, i wonder, why don't i get the result that i expected? maybe God knows best. i just want to be patient and survive here. i don't want to fail my calculus. i don't want to fail my introduction to engineering and i don't want to get a B for chemistry. while i'm trying hard for my english and my theology and philosophy studies, apart from the chemistry lab. but is calculus that i afraid the most. fail, 39/100. fail, 49.5/100. fail, 9/30. what is this? i kept complaining, right? but it's not like i don't try to change. i've been working as hard as i can. the sleepless nights that i have to finish my work is not called as sacrifice? i do the last-minute work? me? dear Lord, help me survive till the end. i want to graduate and get a stable job, which i can't imagine now. pray for me to be strong.