Is this love?

it's been almost four years that i go back and forth to querido. sometimes i hate him so much that i don't even want to hear his name. sometimes i love him too much until i'm willing to do anything just to be there for him. but, these days, i think i fall in love with someone else. it's not like i have moved on from querido completely. it's just that i couldn't forget about this guy. let's call him cher. to be honest, i don't even know what's going on in cher's life. i really don't understand how at times he bothers my mind. why am i writing this, anyway? oh, because each time i listen to whitesnake's is this love, all i could think about is cher. he's a big deal, then because as far as i'm concerned, i only dedicate songs to the special one. is he special? can he beats querido for good? or is querido is really the one? i don't know...

Never too late

I just think that social media is toxic to me. I need to channel my thoughts by writing, something I had once possessed. Wish me luck.

Be that kind of girl

i do not want to impress anyone anymore. i don't care if people want to hate me anyway. i want to fix things as long as it can be fixed. and i want the be the kind of girl that when he sees me, he will know i am his kind of girl. the girl that can accept him is the darkest moments and will stay with him till they death tear us apart.

i want that guy to querido for now, but yeah things might change. as long as i am that kind of girl, chic and cool :)

My feelings

If only he knows that he's the one who makes my day brighter...or the first person that I think of each time I am alone...the guy that I always love to act like a fool in front of him...the one that I show my flaws willingly...the genius that I am in love with...and when he talks or writes about anything...no matter what the content is...I am always excited and looking forward for tomorrow...because when the day starts fresh, so is our friendship. I don't mind if he is not meant to be mine...because his existence is the happiest day of my life.

One day he might be gone, forever...but why should I scared of the upcoming? Every day I am prepared for anything to be the last...and I'm holding him like we will never meet again. Nevertheless, I can't deny. It's hurtful that I don't own his heart. Somebody took it away before I even tried to reach. That's not fair...but feelings can change...but if it doesn't, then maybe it's me who needs to move on.

Love and friendship is tangled up between me and him. If one of the bond gets loose, there's always another that keep it holding. I wonder if there's a day when this feelings will be gone. To be honest, I never love someone as dearly as this.

Anda jaga diri
Dan jaga iman
Anda jangan sedih
Biarpun tempat memisahkan kita
Anda pergilah menimba ilmu
Walaupun saya sudah sangat sangat sangat merindui anda

#byejamaic #makankenapadu #tidurmacamzombi #killermissioncontinues #causeyourethespecialone #pengunditegar

Even if you're here
But your heart is right there
Is better for you to go
Forever.

study problem

i been having this difficulty of living like this. it's been very stressful, indeed. i might not fly in this state of results, but i won't give up. i don't know what is wrong with me. maybe this is just a test for me as i have everything all this while. it appeared that this is my biggest priority for me now. i hate losing. i don't want to lose. but life is not a competition. i am just a person full of flaws. it looks like i keep forgetting things, i don't even know what i am doing and i can't absorb the information like i used to. people keep saying that it is not too late, but why don't i feel the same? this is about my life, and i do know that my life doesn't end if i don't fly but it brings me pain. i might die of frustration and devastation and i got a lot of work to do and it feels like i've been lying to myself so many times. pretending things to be alright, while i keep messing up with my life. i don't know how to say no but i hate to admit that i've been against my life principles. it's been a year, indeed. it brought me happiness to see him again but it bring me calamity of getting results like that. sometimes, i wonder, why don't i get the result that i expected? maybe God knows best. i just want to be patient and survive here. i don't want to fail my calculus. i don't want to fail my introduction to engineering and i don't want to get a B for chemistry. while i'm trying hard for my english and my theology and philosophy studies, apart from the chemistry lab. but is calculus that i afraid the most. fail, 39/100. fail, 49.5/100. fail, 9/30. what is this? i kept complaining, right? but it's not like i don't try to change. i've been working as hard as i can. the sleepless nights that i have to finish my work is not called as sacrifice? i do the last-minute work? me? dear Lord, help me survive till the end. i want to graduate and get a stable job, which i can't imagine now. pray for me to be strong.