Realiti Kesakitan

Sedang kita menuding jari
Apa punca kecelakaan ini
Sedarkah kita
Ini datang dari Dia
Yang Maha Esa.

Sambil kita membuat spekulasi
Apa tujuan bencana ini
Tahukah kita
Dia ketahui
Apa yang kita tidak ketahui.

Sementara kita asyik berbalah
Apa sebab dugaan ini
Ayuhlah kita bersatu hati
Menadah tangan untuk berdoa
Dan tabah menghadapi ujian-Nya.

Kerana apa pun faktor permasalahan ini
Haruslah kita menerima ketentuan-Nya
Walau sepahit peria
Tapi ganjaran dari-Nya lebih manis
Daripada lautan madu.

#PrayForMalaysia #PrayForTheWorld #PrayForTheUniverse

2014 Review

I still love him even though I know I can't get him. I already accept it willingly and try to love that guy who had a past. He's not helping, he's not healing me. He just continue to give me a wake up call that I can't simply go to him when buddy buddy holding hands couldn't be mine after all. I'm trying but then I think this is no longer a priority. I have commitment now. I need to fly. I need to fulfill jpa's requirement. Enough playing games. Enough broken hearts. At least, I've grown. I don't need him desperately like I did with sal. What more do I want? Shouldn't I be grateful with what I have? Alhamdulillah, Allah protects me. I have opened my eyes. High school is done. First semester is done. Now it is second semester. I only got 3.08. I don't even get a single A. My SAT sucks. 1520 for the retest. My TOEFL needs to retake. If I got enroll to UW (insyaAllah), I have to participate in academic English program, which quite sucks because the requirement for exemption is 92 and I got 91. So close. I need to score this semester. I know it's a very tough semester. But I have to. I have no choice. Even if I am not destined to be a freshman, I really want to fly. It's hurt, the disappointment. At least, I want to be in a comfort zone. Maybe 3.50 for this new semester. It is not sufficient to be a freshman, but it does make me glad. I'm not going to kill myself for this worldly thing. It is too much for me. So my 2015 goal is:
- study hard, so hard that even if I don't get a reasonable result, I know I've done a great job.
- take a healthy diet, more caffeine, less fat
- be a good Muslim
The last one is the hardest��

Rationalize

It's been a few days since I decided that I should stop loving because it hurts so much that I can no longer fight this love. She came first in his life, meaning that I don't even stand a chance. Sounds fair enough.

no more lust!!!

why do i feel the lust inside of me? is it because he is too close and this is the most working friendship i ever have to start a move? it is hazardous for me...

i don't want him to leave. but i don't want him to stay if he's giving me this... satisfaction that i am not suppose to have. actually, it makes me want more~ i always love someone with his heart.. and the lust is just a background scene. but this love, fire and passion and lust... makes me stop breathing. it is wrong, i know... should i resist him?

practically it becomes like that because i am not supposed to be close with my crush. MFZ, of course is a very special case. he is incomparable with all the other guys that i had a crush on. but AS, he is something else, too. but in a bad way that destructs me~!

or maybe i'm just feeling sick and dying.. so that's why i have this odd feeling. but seriously, it's not like i never had a crush on my classmate! but duh, he just makes the fire... and the jacket.. ummph, really? what the hell is wrong with him making that to me? just wear t-shirt and wear hideously.

he's handsome. he's smart. he can sing. he is every girl's dream. but here's on thing. i want him to be mine but not in a good way... why can't anyone be like sal??? no lust, just feeling and emotional attachment. feeling like the person is the other half of you... hmmph, when can i stop the search?

mr the one, if you exist, just come when i need you... and no, no, no... you don't have to fill my mind with lust~ i have had enough!!!

U2 - Ordinary Love (From Mandela OST) Lyric Video

Thank you, Steve Jobs for making me listening to pure awesomeness.

Radio drama

Five friends went to a cabin as their car broke down, and it passed the twilight. The cabin look deserted, and the foyer was not welcoming. One of them knocked. No response. The door was unlocked. As they entered the dark, stale smelled cabin, they decided to spend the night as it was the only place that they can find protection.

G: Who are you people? What are you doing in my home?
A: so sorry, sir. We need protection.
B: please let us spend a night, we'll leave before dawn.
C: there's no network coverage, please. We're begging you.
G: all right. I'll make you spend the night. Foremost, you're my guests, even if the unwelcomed ones.

The man served them soup. Very hot soup. Enough to make their stomach full and bear the cold of raining.

G: i am very ashamed for not knowing you earlier. You're lovely people. So, what's the reason you've come so far here?
D: we would like to make a research about a massacre that happened here three years ago. We searched the scene and found nothing.
E: think you're the native. Why don't you share your point of view?
G: here's what i've heard from the people, too. But i guess if it can help you, i think why not share my story.

As so the story goes... (woods, sound effect)

[Characters (v, w, x, y, z)]

V: and so who is the person that suggests we did all this?
W: not who. It's us. We all decided to take this, remember?
X: enough! The mosquitoes keep biting me. Ugh, so disgusting!
Y: we'll find a way to get out from this place.
Z: hey look, a cave! Come on, let's get some shelter.
V: duh, what a brilliant plan. Shelter in a cave.
Y: if you don't want to go, we're leaving you.
V: like you dare. Eh, wait for me!

(Water drips)

X: guess this place can make us spend the night.
W: okay, then.
V: really, there is no network coverage here? I feel sick.
Z: just have to bear with it. We all not going to be lost if you're not the one who's holding the map.
V: what did you just say?!
Y: enough, both of you. All right, who has the map now? We can't sit here and do nothing.
W: why not? This is nature. This is peace. We are surviving.
X: well, we have to get out of here. I will have a job interview and i don't want to be late on the day.
V: late like your last interview? Who is the person that can get screwed like that? 45 minutes late! Guiness record, dude.
Y: what is wrong with you, v? Get a life, will you?
V: argh, you're just jealous.
Z: hey, where are you going?
V: nature's call. Hey, w. Want to join and enjoy the view?
W: nah, i'm good. Just have fun looking stars.

Z: what is wrong with him?
X: he wants attention, i think. He must get bored.
Z: if only i remembered that he failed his geography exam. Look what happened now.
W: just calm down, sister. Just he wants to be a jerk in your eyes.
Z: but still...

(Scream by V)

Y: what happened? Is that v?
X: let's check out.
Z: i don't want to go. It's too dangerous.
W: then stay. Y, stay with Z.
Y: alright, you guys go and check out what happened to v.
Z: just come back fast, okay?
X: don't worry, we'll get in touch.

Z: just hope he's going to be fine.
Y: you really like him, do you?
Z: what? I'm just purely concerned, no more. Don't create a loveline, please.
Y: i think he likes you, too.
Z: i think you're insane. While waiting for the guys, let's look at the maps.
Y: so, i think we're here.
Z: this mountain?

I want to break free

Sal syndrome is coming again
I am enchanted by his spell
I am no longer mine
No matter how hard i try to move on
It is always him
All the time
God knows how hard i tried to forget him
But dear me just love to judge
No one can compare him
The history that we had together
The sadness, the broken heart from him
All this memories
Help me please
I want to have my own life
Without thinking how sal thinks
Sal is not even mine
Let alone he cares what i think
But he is someone that control me
And i do not know how to be free

Sal, stop please.

No matter how desperate i want to try something to, i just have to accept the fact that my world revolves around him. I feel sired to him. Enchanted like a magic spell, when i want to step further with other guys, i always withdraw. Do i love him so much and have to rely on him for the rest of my life?

The One I'm Looking For

I wasn't expecting to meet him again. Stay in front of me, reading a book. But most of all, he's real. It all started three months ago, when i was in the interview with him. He was in my interview group and looked so confident. I knew from the look that i'm not going to forget this face but shame on me, his name was forgotten. Except his name, everything that i can see about him during the interview is still fresh. His confidence, his leadership and his attitude were memorable.

It was late at night. The interview already finished a few hours ago. Somehow, the memory of the short meeting with him seemed so clear. It continued day by day and i knew it wasn't normal. I knew i already fell for him. Albeit, it was too late with the most important information to find him was lost by time. His name, i kept wondering how it could be flushed from my memory without my conscience. I had given up because it really does not make sense to love a person without a name. I was in despair, waiting for a miracle to happen.

It was in late may, the interview result was out. Thank God, i passed the interview! However, i was also offered to enroll into another institute. I was in dilemma to choose the best institute for me. So, i tried my luck to study at the latter one. Despite the institute is near my house, i find it was so hard to fit in. I was almost isolated, something wrong with my registration etcetra. It was like, i wasn't meant to be there. Therefore, i performed solah istikharah thrice to find the most clear answer. My prayer was heard. I decided to come to intec, in spite of the distance from my hometown and the high cost of living. It was easy to blend in with people and the orientation seemed fun to me.

Suddenly, i saw someone who looked so familiar to me. Although he wore a completely different attire than i first met him, i knew just by a glance. He was the person i'm looking for all this time and deep down i said, "Miracles do happen. I found you."

Plan for my children

Age 0-3 months
-provides care and nutritiom
-recite al-Quran to the baby (my hubby, of course!)

Age 4-12 months
-swimming
-recite al-Quran to the baby
-listen to music
-education starts

Age 1-3 years
-learn to speak malay, english
-swimming
-sports (eg: horse riding, archery)
-islamic teaching (recites al-Quran, manners)
-play with musical instruments
-start reading

Age 4-6 years
-continue with previous activities
-take the first flight (umrah, disneyland, europe etc.)
-start to learn arabic
-enforcement in languages
-studying math, science, history
-more sports
-learn about etiquettes
-start to take balanced diet and exercising

Age 7-12 years
-send to elementary school
-start to learn about SPM syllabus
-involve in extracurricular activities/sports
-learn spanish/french/german/chinese (TWO of four)
-enforcement in mathematics and sciences
-memorise the 30th juz of al-Quran

Age 13-17 years
-enter high school
-make more boundaries
-studying, sports, school, music, languages

Age 18+ years
-his/her choice to make
-support and give encouragement

New crush

Yay me! I found a new guy. His name is unknown. But i would love to call him mr star... ohmygod, i'm in love! Guess 3 hours of meeting him can be considered as love from the first sight. Am i right??? I don't know whether i'll meet him again... because right now what i'm focusing is CGPA 4.0!!! But kakla told me that during this period, i will have lot of admires. Abundantly. So, mr star maybe become my no. 1 and maybe so on... Bon appetit to a new lifestyle!!!

Aftermath: move on

I never love anyone like i loved him. After you came, i thought i could love you like i loved him. But, you stopped me. So... i let you go. Just like i let him go before you. So, i know. No matter how epic my love towards a person, you can't deny Allah's love. Much greater and everlasting. So... love is just a feeling when you can't get what you admire. Let me find someone better than you. Someone i can love more than i used to love him. And that person i think will only be my future husband. Insha Allah, i know he exists somewhere. Maybe he's just wondering who i am just like i wonder who he is. So, till then... i'm closing my heart until i find the right person to open it up... wide and never close. My dearest soulmate.

Perubahan

Kumasuk ke medan bicara
Gagahnya dia berkata
Pokok yang tua harus dibangga
Binasalah kita dia berkata
Sekiranya pokok dicabut orang.

Kudengar dan terdiam
Dan kutatap tunjangnya
Terdetik di kalbuku
Masakan tidak dicabut pokok itu.

Akarnya sudah reput
Daunnya kekuningan
Dari jauh nampak megah
Kutatap batangnya yang kian berulat
Tibalah masa untuknya tumbang.

Apa gunanya kita berbangga
Akan pokok tua tak guna
Sedangkan madu habis sepah dibuang
Inikan pula pokok yang penuh celanya.

Lalu kutinggal medan itu
Dan gembiranya dia difikirnya bijak
Walhal dalam benakku
Biarlah dia gembira sekarang
Tatkala jahil tidak boleh diubat
Jika perubahan itu masih asing baginya.

SPM Results

Biology makes me... uh-huh

Tried my best

Some things can't be fixed no matter how hard we try to repair it. That cold reaction. I've had enough. I stop to understand. Let me understand myself more. You're not worth it to have a special place in my heart. I tried, okay? Don't say that i don't make efforts to make things work. If i'm not that important to you, that's fine. Treat me like a dog if you can, but i know i'm a human. You can't break me.

Aftermath

So yeah, i got 9A in SPM with a B+ (shit) and i know that he will go away from my life. I don't expect it to be this fast but seriously, that girl... he said that there's nothing going on between them but how long can i trust him? "Friend"? Are you kidding me? I just know the pain of the aftermath. And now i really think i should move on for real. Or else, i'll be the biggest joker of the century, trusting a guy like that. *sigh *sobs

For You

Dear Sal,
If you're reading this, it means you know that i avoid you. I'm sorry, but this friend thing is a burden for me. I hate to know that I can't be myself around you. A day without you could kill me and I just want to get used to it when you're really gone. I thought being a friend can make me not losing you. I was wrong. I always want it more. I just want us to stop being friends. How I should take care about your feelings every time we talked and forget about mine makes me feel trapped and I have no freedom. So, I let you go and you'll be free without me. I love you more as a friend, but I can't lie to myself each time we talked, I don't want more than friends. I know I'm being selfish and I'll cry in the meantime to forget you... but this is just temporary. Then, you'll be out of my life and I can start fresh. Actually, I don't want to make more memories with you. The more memories we have, the harder for me to forget you. You should just left at that time. You weren't suppose to come back. But you overwhelmed me and I just... lost. We've grown up, haven't we? Let me get this straight. Each time you left, it left a hole. So, for the sake of our future, you'll do the same. Let me go. Forget everything about me. Please think like we're strangers. Forget about our memories together. Just forget everything if you can. God, my tears are falling. Sal, please take care of yourself, alright? There are many people that care for you. I have my family, too. So, both of us will be fine.

Bye, Sal. Hope you have a better friend than I soon...

Love: A word of magic

Love

a magical word to describe

between the fantasy and reality

there is a melody why love is magical

really...

a history of the past can show how

the power of love could be so magical

two nemesis fought and fell in love

the past is bygones

and a new future is reborn.

a perfect man and filthy rich

feeling incomplete without love

he found no point of having a fortune

when the outside full but empty inside

he prefers to be a pauper.

a family of tons live in poverty

feeling hungry due to famine

but love makes them full

and they live happily poor

better than a king.

so love,

deep down is just a feeling

but it makes you keep the faith

and affects the things you can't see

makes it so magical, really...

Dishes Life

Spices are hot

When you eat them directly

without the meat or the greens.

It's wondering how spices could be seasoning

whereas it burns to be eaten alone.

But then

people put spices in their dishes

no matter how delicious the food as it is

because it makes their dishes more perfect

and serve with satisfaction.

Life is like a dish

it is bad to feel sad alone

it gets flat when happiness is always

that's why it's okay to feel crap

because it will make the life perfect.

Grrrrr

Why can't i be happy when hangout with my friends? That bitch, makes my mood ruined. Three bitches, actually. Shut up!!!!!! Stop making me a loophole. Arrggh!!!!

Creepiness~

My mum found a dead kitten behind the clothes rack. It was a sibling of nikolina and the body already decayed when it was found. I was so scared and i cried. I can't describe it properly because everything seems so blank and scary and creepy. My body was shaking when i tried to move it. I hope i won't have a nightmare tonight. I am really scared.

I want to call him but i know i'm asking too much.

Chance of Restart

I used to love you

It was a rough feeling

If felt so insecure

As I know who you were

You were a player.

I cared too much

until I pained you

The good perception was gone

The good chance was shattered

I knew I had lost you.

Then I loved him

He made me forgot

The wrongdoings I had done

Yet you still forgave me

and we started fresh again.

It wasn't awkward at all

being besides you

As I loved him

and I have you by my side

I was lucky.

Then you left

I never know it could left a hole

I continued to love him

and he made me happy

but he can't fill the hole left by you.

Soon you came back

A new you, a better you

The hole was filled

by your existence

and I felt very grateful.

But you filled the space too much

I was in denial of loving him

too often until it became a habit

I told about him to you

to make me forget about you.

At last I gave up

I can't fight the unrequited love for him

I let him go because I know he will be loved

by a good person like her

But what about me?

Since then I keep thinking about you

the person who owns my heart well

it's too soon to root the love

like I did to him

But we never know if we never try.

Can I love you?

Despite all the things I had done to you

Will you accept me for who I am

Despite all the things I am lacking

Do we stand a chance?

To my idiot boyfriend/best friend

I know him but i know you better. I chose you but you betrayed me. He never cared for me but you did. That's where the pain is more. If you pushed me like he did, then i won't have this feeling for you. You are my best friend, you want for more but yet, you are afraid to have commitment. Thank you very much, coward for leave me in a limbo when i knew there was a boundary between us. If you be like anyone else, say hi and just that, maybe i won't be paralysed like this. But you dared talked to me, called me, gave me hopes and denied everything that i suspected. Then you left me and gave a reason you were busy. If i was just an idiot, if i was so clueless that there was something between us, then i wouldn't feel the way you stabbed me at the back. I thought you knew, history taught us. We got trust issues, remember? Guess you failed in history because you forgot what i am capable of. I can crush you. *evil laughs

Boyfriend drama, again >·<

This gap year teaches me a lot. I lost my love and found a new one, who is an old history. I tried my best to cherish him like i used to, but i can't because trust issues always a problem between us. It makes me want to go to him, again. The one with the capital FAAL. This is my choice and this is my life. Let me decide before the deadline closed.

I can't love you like i loved him. It is too soon for me to plant those deep feelings for you. It took two years for me to have faith on him, trusted him, loved him no matter what he did. You are my best friend, you should know better. We had history and it always me. Let's not push it, shall we? Let's put our friendship in hiatus so that let me decide who owns my heart.

Guys' rule

- they hate it when you talk about your current crush/ex
- they hate it when you keep talking about your weight and how you sacrifice yourself to look good
- they hate it when you control them just like they hate it when you still talking when they stop
- they hate it when you butt into their private lives albeit you are confirmed to be theirs
- they just hate it when you start being silly whereas they hate it when you're asking for more
- they hate it when they can't control you
- guys just hate whatever girls do; they just love what they love
- they hate it when you can't understand them like they think they understand you well
*these facts are super shit

Commitment is too early for me

I got over with FA and decided to settle myself with MFZ. Yesterday, i had a bad dream about how my dad found put about our relationship (technically we're just friends, but in my dream, we were something else). The setting was at school or plkn or even my house, o can't remember. Many stuffs were mixed and then suddenly my dad said i was a slut (in my dream >·<) and he said to MFZ how he (MFZ) couldn't take the commitment and how he let it go about going to a different camp with farrah, how i frustrated like crazy and my dad really sounded angry. So, i woke up in the middle of my dad's madness, which makes me freaking creepy.

Moral of the story : Don't have a serious commitment with MFZ. It's dangerous. I know in my dream, but in reality also in the same way. DO NOT SETTLE DOWN WITH ANYBODY RIGHT NOW. I AM TOO YOUNG AND TOO IMMATURE FOR THAT!

80 facts about MFZ

- he is hardworking and ambitious to achieve things
- he loves indon songs and into the blues and balads
- he believe he has a great sense of humor
- he loves romance movies and feeling scared with scary movies
- he is the last son in the family
- he changes his ambition from a doctor to an engineer
- he looks best when he wears a set of baju melayu with songkok
- he looks good in black
- he has issues about socialising in the morning and really socialise at night
- he always play badminton as a sport
- he loves to ignore people who makes him bored/displeased/clueless
- he was a badass back then, used to be a player
- he tends to make girls fall in love with him
- he is the most good-looking in the family
- he respects his brothers, especially the eldest very much
- he is hardly have a physical mental breakdown
- he can be open and can be very secretive about his private life
- he rocks in physics and add math
- when he has nothing to say, he just hang up on the phone with a quick bye
- he tends to call his friends when he does not hear news from the friends more than 3 days
- he is very talkative but a good listener, too
- people always have rumors about him
- he is super forgiving and follow the concept, forgive and forget
- he treasures his friends when it comes to rough time
- he loves to do random stuff, one of his sense of humor
- nothing can stop him when he is confident
- he never yell at people even at his worst temper, just a word that is worse than yelling
- he is well-mannered
- he brought a tupperware bottle to school
- his accent makes people wonders where is he from
- he has a voice that makes people feel safe
- he is quite professional handling tasks
- he loves to be formal with lots of sense of humor
- he loves to give advice to people
- he does not like to have bad blood with people
- he is a sweet talker
- people always misunderstand his way of approach
- he thinks wearing sweaters and caps are cool
- he wears a pair of spectacles
- his smile is almost a smirk
- he has a dull laugh, hahaha
- his voice sounds like he's eating something
- he hardly sweats except during sports
- he smells nice
- he has an ideal weight with a slim build
- he wears long-sleeves shirts more than the short ones but lately, he does not give a damn about sleeves
- his pencilbox is small and his stationeries are also small
- he eats politely
- he has some kind of aura, makes all people attracted by his presence
- he really cares about hygeine
- no matter what time his sleeps, he wakes up early
- he is kind of nerd
- he has lots of friends, there is no specific circle in friends
- he loves and cares about his friends
- he loves to eat bread than rice
- he hates when his hands are dirty
- he has issues about spectacles should not be cleaned by using tissues
- he wears his watch on the left
- older people adores him (eg. teachers, aunties, seniors)
- he does not have issues about people touching his things
- he loves to sing
- he keeps himself busy so that he won't feel bored
- he's not into games, more into socialise with people
- he talks comfortably with people to lessen the awkwardness
- he's kind of blurred, sometimes
- he really takes a good care of his body
- he does not really care about people around him
- he always think the best about people
- he analyses things quietly
- he does not eat oily food
- his emotions are unreadable
- his actions are unpredictable
- he has many potential, he just needs to choose the best potential
- he can read books on a moving vehicle

The one who can fulfil these 10 things is my husband

1) the one who is religious and can lead me to Him

2) the one who treats me and his mother equally

3) the one who respects my family and have good blood with his

4) the one who separates work and personal lives efficiently

5) the one who can tolerate my cooking and my way of living

6) the one who teaches my children morale and informal studies

7) the one who takes care everything exterior including the groceries and taking children from school

8) the one who loves to make jokes but being serious with the children

9) the one who will not make an affair with anybody

10) the one who faces reality well when crisis happens in the family

Wrecked plan

Kita hanya boleh merancang, Allah yang tentukan...

I always hear this phrase at the clinic. But it also happens in my life. About a month ago, i planned to set up a reunion. Actually, bonzai proposed it to me and she insisted me to schedule the reunion. At first, i opened a chatroom so that everyone can give his/her opinion. But suddenly, just like the phrase, what i planned was ruined. The chatroom became a flea market and we losed the purpose. Thx so much 'friends', for ignoring me to some hoochie mama slutty talk. (Ignore my language, please) so eventually, maybe because i am the one who actually used my brain for the issue, resolving it by myself. So, what's the point i made a chatroom?

Anyway, the event that i planned arrived. Just like the phrase, what i planned didn't work. In fact, those so-called friends said what i planned was boring. So, just like the phrase, it can happens in your life someday...

I hate you, bitch

We never expect everyone to like us. We never expect everyone to hate us either. I know i am not perfect and i am not a good person either, but at least i know something, i am not a hypocrite. Listen here, akm, i hate you. I you read this, you better know i'm talking about you. But then i guess i have a bad mouth too. Why don't you be friends with someone like you, precisely a bitch? Don't you want to know why i hate you:
- you're a hypocrite then you pretend that you're not
- you think you're so great but actually you almost like a dwarf
- you asked me to set up the reunion, but you was absent, and me and yas had to make a thick face in front of the boys
- don't you have any manner? Are you even civilised?
- you want to fit in among my friends, and i'm so sorry i gave you a false hope, you are never one of us!
- you liked my crush and then you dared asked me to step down (seriously? You think i wouldn't notice?!)
- you always feel that you are a victim. But everyone knows, you're the bitch!
- you think you are a hot stuff. But actually, you're a stale egg.
- you made me looked suck, it wasn't your fault, but they mentioned you, so they thought you are better than me, why? Because i don't have a crush with every single guy i met like you do?
- i can never trust you, you cannot be trusted with anything. Because i bet you will tell my secret to anyone, to make yourself popular. Duh~